When I got married, I prided myself on being super chill and relaxed about everything. I focused on how excited I was to actually be married, and didn’t care too much about the wedding itself. I felt that the flower arrangements wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of our married life, and I was so careful to not be perceived as a needy or demanding bride. In many cases, that made things super simple and easy for those who did have opinions about things and who didn’t feel the need to deliberate. In other cases, without realizing, I made things even more stressful for everyone else around me by insisting on being easy-going. Here are a few tips I realized about being a chill bride that i’d like to pass on to anyone else who wants to be super “zorem” about their wedding planning!
1. Sometimes it’s helpful for you to have an opinion (even if you have to fake it)
In my mind, not having an opinion about the color of the ties, for example, or the seating chart, showed just how relaxed I was about the big day. The problem is that sometimes it wasn’t clear who was supposed to be deciding these things, and no one wanted to be the one to decide. My parents were very involved in the wedding planning, but also couldn’t have cared less about the ties and things like that. That basically meant that no one chose ties until the last minute, which ended up being stressful. It probably would have been easier if I had decided on an opinion, even if it was “made up” and stuck with it in order to help get things done and move things along. If you want to be chill, it’s important to also know when your opinion is needed and helpful. The point of being chill is to help make things easy and smooth for everyone involved, not just the bride…. Or else that defeats the purpose of being relaxed about the whole thing!
2. Make sure people know what you DO care about
Usually, there is at least something that the bride does care about. For me, that was the photographer. That was pretty much all I cared about (and even that was hard for me to admit to myself), but since I made it super clear that I would be an easygoing bride, everyone assumed ALL decisions could be made without me. So when all the vendors were booked without me knowing, I was okay (and even relieved) about not being involved, except when it came to the photographer. All of a sudden, I realized that I cared, but I hadn’t communicated it to anyone until after one was booked! That caused a bit of stress and conflict that could have easily been avoided (we ended up switching photographers). My tip would be to think about all of the wedding to-do’s and communicate which ones you care about. It’s okay to care about some parts of your wedding, and there’s no need to feel guilty, especially if everyone is happy to accomodate. As they always say, communication is key!
3. Show gratitude for all the hard work that is being done for your wedding, even if you’d rather it be much more toned down.
Oftentimes, more easy-going brides like to be completely uninvolved in the wedding planning process. That means that the planning is falling to someone else or several other people. Make sure to show your gratitude! Wedding planning is a lot of hard work, and even if you would rather it be more toned down, someone is putting A TON of effort into this day that is all about you. It’s important to show that you’re grateful that they are spending all this time and effort on you and making sure everything comes together. It’s probably also not helpful to mention to whoever is putting in all the effort that you wish you could just elope, or that you wish it wasn’t such a big affair. It’s usually not realistic that you’ll actually elope, and you know you need to invite x hundred people to your wedding anyways. Once you know that that’s the reality and someone is doing a lot of not-so-fun tasks, say thank you as often as you can.
4. Know what to do when other people want things to be fancy and you want it to be “chill”
This one’s a biggie. Usually, there is someone else in the family who does care about certain formalities or “fancier” elements. Just remember, the whole reason you are a chill bride is because you don’t want to get worked up about this day that won’t matter once you’re married. You want to avoid conflict and keep the peace. That means you might have to let go of the toned-down vibe you’re looking for, to make way for those who have strong opinions. It’s really okay- if your grandparents insist on walking down the aisle and that isn’t your thing… you’ll still be married at the end of the day!
5. Consider hiring a wedding planner so that you don’t have to be involved
If you and your loved ones are all either very easy going or extremely busy, you might want to think about hiring a wedding planner. True, it may be an extra cost for you (and you hate the thought of pouring more money into this day), but it’s also important to make sure that everything does get done and that not everything is falling to your loved ones who want to be involved as little as you do. Also, oftentimes wedding planners can save you money!
6. Embrace the fact that money will need to be spent so don’t let it upset you
Weddings are expensive affairs and there’s only so much that can be done to mitigate costs. Especially, if your parents are paying for the wedding, you need to let them spend money on the things they want to spend money on. You think buying fancy heels for the chuppah is a waste of money because no one will see them anyways? Feel free to voice your opinion respectfully, but if your parents really want to spend that money that’s their prerogative! If you’re the one paying for the wedding, it’s obviously easier and more important to draw lines and boundaries, but once you’re not paying the bill it might be worthwhile to take a deep breath, do your best to help cut costs, and then let your parents handle the money how they please. If you are really passionate about cutting costs, feel free to mention! Oftentimes your parents will be happy to hear that, as they might also be hesitant to spend so much money. Just make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t make it sound like you think the whole thing is stupid- they’re still spending money on the wedding so that’s not fun for them to hear. Work together to figure out what both you, your fiance and all of the parents involved are happy to cut. For us that meant having a morning wedding with dairy catering, hosting it in my backyard, not having long bridesmaids gowns, and having a smaller band.
7. Make sure you and your fiance work together as a team even if you disagree
If you happen to like things more low key, but your fiance has his own dreams about the perfect wedding, that’s okay! Make sure to communicate openly and be up for compromise. Make sure you approach every problem as a team and validate your fiance’s opinions- he’s entitled to them just as much as you are. I remember hearing great advice once that in every disagreement there are 3 sides: your side, his side, and then the third side of how things look to someone who has no stake in the argument. If you can both get yourselves to even just imagine that third side, you’ll be able to see the merits in both of your own sides without all of the emotional weight. Wedding planning, however much it’s ripe for conflict, is also a great time to build up mutual understanding and teamwork between you and your fiance. And for the chill bride- if your husband really cares about the wedding planning (or vice versa) I can promise you it means a lot to at least show a minimum amount of interest. At least ask when your opinion is wanted or needed.
Writing all of this makes me remember that I should probably go thank my loved ones again for all of the effort they put into creating the most amazing wedding for this easy-going bride! And remember, it’s not chill to be a bridezilla about being chill!
Have more tips for the easy-going bride? Let us know in the comments!