1) There’s a reason we need emojis.
The ability to text and e-mail brings tremendous convenience to our lives, especially during the engagement period when there are so many details to take care of on a regular basis. But here’s the thing: When we text, we can’t hear tone or inflection, see facial expressions, or make eye contact, and it can be the perfect recipe for misunderstandings. (Autocorrect anyone?) Decide together which topics are okay to communicate about through text and which are better to save for live conversations on the phone or in person. “Hey! did the caterer call you back yet?” may be fair game, but “I really wish you would let my family have the 4th bracha under the Chuppah” is probably not something to figure out over text with delayed responses. Another option for discussing non-triggering topics: Voicenotes or videochats.
2) Take timeouts from wedding talk.
Make sure to spend quality time together where you aren’t focused on wedding talk. Or say, “Ok, let’s talk about wedding stuff for twenty minutes and then we are just chilling”, and literally set a timer on your phone for twenty minutes. It’s so easy for wedding talk to totally take over the relationship and the main point of every conversation and get-together. But your wedding is just one night. This isn’t just about getting married; it’s about being married, and you picked this person because you want to be around them and share your lives. Try to schedule in activities where you are having fun, laughing– and it can be especially meaningful if you make it a point to schedule in chesed activities to do together as well.
3) Talk to your “committee” but also talk to yourself.
When we are single and looking for a partner, it’s common to have a committee of people you bounce things off of and share about dating intricacies. They may be friends, family members, mentors, teacher, Rabbi, therapist, etc. It’s great to have a committee for advice but it’s important to evaluate who would be most helpful for you as you navigate situations that are often not cut-and-dry. But even if you get sage advice from others, it’s also very important to have a sense of your own gut and what feels right for you. Ultimately, you’re the one who will be marrying the person and sharing a home with them– so give yourself quiet time to tap into your own intuition.
4) Start adjusting to two versions of “normal”.
As much as you two have in common, the reality is that you are two distinct people coming from different families who do things differently. This reminder will come up in everything from wedding planning to finances– even to what you register for. Maybe he comes from a family where it’s normal to use fancy china every Shabbat meal. Maybe she comes from a family where weddings are really low-key affairs. Whatever it is, you will most probably have disagreements about things that don’t seem normal to you as an individual, and you may feel like your version of normal is the only acceptable one. Keep in mind that “normal” is subjective; hear each other out, respect where the person is coming from– even if you totally don’t feel that way, and work together to starting creating a new normal that makes sense for both of you.
5) Premarital counseling can give you an upgrade.
If you were having trouble with your phone and you couldn’t fix it yourself, you probably wouldn’t put off taking it to get looked at by someone with phone expertise. After all, it’s your phone and you use it all the time and you want it to be working as well as possible. Yet, when it comes to relationships, which are often at the heart of our satisfaction in life, there is often reluctance to get emotional help when there are issues in the relationship that aren’t resolving. Premarital counseling can be very helpful in addressing relationship issues before they escalate and learning tools to deal with the inevitable challenges that come up. Going to counseling together doesn’t mean you’re doomed; it means you’re doing what you can to make things as best as they can be.
Mazel Tov!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Rachel Hercman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with specializations in relationships, sexual health, and trauma. She is in private practice in Manhattan and lectures to diverse audiences. Rachel is Clinical Director of the Layers Project Magazine and has been a featured clinical expert on various websites.